Disney’s La Vida Chola

Driving home on the freeway, I saw a huge billboard featuring Disney’s most infamous villains.  I couldn’t help but notice how much the female villains resemble cholas.  En serio!  Everybody knows the look: really bad eyebrows, heavy eyeshadow, thick eyeliner, bright lipstick y todo.  Subconsciously, I may have noticed because I was coming back from L.A. – land of endless cholos.  

The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that Disney artists and even the man himself, dug the chola stilo.  I went Magnum P.I. and researched some of the bad girls that have been brought to life.  I discovered they were not just cartoon characters but indeed real-life cholas!

Queen Grimhilde aka The Evil Queen; Chola Name: La Muñeca  This evil chica was fair-skinned and didn’t pile on the foundation like other cholas.  The homies called her La Muñeca because she was always dolled up.  Unlike other cholas of her time, she didn’t over-kill with bright eyeshadow.  Her long, thin-shaped eyebrows would soon become the rage.  She, of course, fell into the long tradition of wearing skanky lipstick.  She covers her head with a cowl because of an accident that involved Aqua Net and a lighter. 

Maleficent; Chola Name: La Flaca  One of the first stylish cholas, this hyna claims Pacoima and is known to set trip.  The innovator of the high-hair do, La Flaca is also credited with being one of the first to use purple eyeshadow and green foundation.  She’s best known for pairing dark lipliner with light lip color.  It’s a hideous trend that is still seen today.  A noted chemist and physicist, she turned down scholarships to USC, Stanford, Harvard and Yale to study cosmetics with Max Factor.  She eventually chose to go to MIT after an alleged affair with Factor became public.  La Flaca always maintained that a jilted Rita Hayworth made up the rumor.  Not long after graduating from MIT, an experiment with a home-made perm and color mixture exploded and she was put under surveilance by the FBI.

Madame Medusa; Chola Name: La Güera Originally from the Bayou, La Güera’s family moved to Montebello to escape loan sharks her father burned.  It was in East Los, she fell in love with the chola look and lifestyle.  La Güera spoke four different languages: English, Spanish, Creole and a mix of the three – Crepanglish.  La Güera took eye make-up to a whole new level.  Her heavy eyeliner and aqua-colored eyeshadow blend, would soon take the region by storm.  Vatos loved her because she was just as spicy as the homegirls (and then some).  Her notorious temper was legendary in East Los.  The homie, Boxer, once made the mistake of wearing alligator boots to a wedding La Güera attended.  Boxer didn’t know La Güera’s love for gators ran deep (as a child, she adopted two as pets).  Extremely offended, La Güera set up a junta with Boxer at the local King Taco and nobody seen him since…nobody, ey!  La Güera is a bad-ass chola!

Yzma; Chola Name: La Chuca  This mujer is a straight up OG veterana.  Although the years haven’t been kind to her, La Chuca embodies the Pachuco styles of the past.  She makes it a point to kiss the picture of her beloved, El Chuco, every morning.  Don’t trip, he didn’t die.  He’s been in la pinta for a while because he got caught lying to the IRS.  Much of La Chuca’s signature look has stood the test of time and has trickled down to cholas everywhere.  From her dark, drawn-in eyebrows (sas! sas!) to her love of big earrings (another chola staple) and her famous long, lavish, fake eyelashes; La Chuca definitely knows how to draw attention.  Gabachos also took notice and tried to conquer her.  Veteranos say that she was the cause of  the infamous Zoot Suit Riot.

Cruella Deville; Chola Name:  La Esqueleta  This veterana has an ongoing pedo with La Chuca, her prima.  The animosity stems from an argument over a collection of Pedro Infante albums.  La Esqueleta claims she let La Chuca borrow the albums while La Chuca claims they were a gift.  Chisme has it, both rucas were in deep lust over the same morro, Suavecito.  Although they both lost to another esa, the bad blood remains.  La Esqueleta’s trademark two-toned hair style has been often immitated but never duplicated.  So, if you see a chola with a bad hair do, thank La Esqueleta.

Ursula; Chola Name: La Torta  Although she is a big girl, La Torta is a tremendous swimmer.  She represented El Camino College at the national JUCO swim meet and took first in every event she entered.  Loud and extremely obnoxious, it is no wonder that her make-up is the same.  She claims that little hynas are jealous of her and her sense of style.  La Torta is known for wearing lycra and just about anything that is form fitting.  For years, the homies have asked and even offered to take her shopping for better fitting clothes.  This gordita (not to be confused with the chingaderas from Taco Bell) does not lack confidence, MAC make-up or Aqua Net.  She not only defines what a chola is, but also needs.

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7 responses to “Disney’s La Vida Chola

  1. Well I’m not sure about all of that but still love the playful article …….which btw makes a hilarious and true point.!

  2. FUNNY YU SHOULD NOTICE THIS. ITS A KNOWN FACT THAT DISNEY GLEEPED THE STYLING FOR THEIR CHOLLA GALZ FROM MY PHOTO RENDITION OF MY EVIL QUEEN I DID FOR MY FAIRYTALE SERIES. GO HERE TO SEE AND YOULL AGREE. BEFORE I DID IT THE DISNEY BABES NEVER HAD THE GOTH EYEBROWS AND SHIT!!!!

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